The Best Celebrity Wines, Ranked By Deuxmoi

As the person behind the anonymous celebrity gossip Instagram account Deuxmoi, I’m obsessed with the mundane details of the lives of Hollywood’s finest. (Think: their coffee orders, where they drop off their dry cleaning… not to mention their boudoir experiences.) Like us, celebrities also love to party — even if their go-to drinks and clubs are a bit fancier than ours. So it’s not a total surprise that over the past decade celebrities from George Clooney to Kendall Jenner have launched their own alcoholic beverage lines. I mean, were you even famous in 2021 if you didn’t have your very own libation?

Managing Deuxmoi makes it hard to avoid the almost monthly launches of new celebrity liquor brands. In the past few months alone we’ve seen new labels from two former sets of co-stars: Breaking Bad’s Aaron Paul and Bryan Cranston along with The Vampire Diaries’ Paul Wesley and Ian Somerhalder. This made me super interested about which celeb-owned alcohol is actually worth drinking. (AKA, “A bitch was curious.”)

What better way to get better acquainted with the celebrities that I spend every waking second posting about than by taste testing every single one of their wine brands I could get my hands on? In that spirit, two of my friends (we’ll call them B & C) and I gathered at B’s apartment to finally sit down and get to work.

While this is by no means a sommelier-approved ranking — we’re celebrity gossip enthusiasts, not wine connoisseurs — we did adhere to one key Kathy Hilton-approved rule. As Hilton advised her Real Housewives of Beverly Hills castmates during their wine tasting in San Diego earlier this season, we made sure hit the 5 S’s (see, swirl, sniff, snip, and savor) before we tried each glass. Read on to see how each celeb wine fared.

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Dear SJP:

We are sorry

We can’t (drink this)

Don’t hate us —

This wine… should only be served to the likes of Jack Berger.

Rating: 1 Wine Glass

Hampton Water has bite and a bit of an aftertaste. It was highly acidic, thus triggering my personal acid reflux issue. However, we all loved the glass cork and thought the overall packaging was very chic. In our opinion, this is an afterparty wine best served when you’ve already had five other types of wine at dinner.

Rating: 2 Wine Glasses

Before you drink this wine, download the 19 Crimes app and scan the bottle and Snoop will talk to you! Ours said: “My name is Snoop D-O-double G and I love R-O-S-E”. The dark coloring of this wine looks like someone left a Jolly Rancher in a cup of water. And while it doesn’t have that candy’s strawberry flavor — it’s still sweet like a dessert wine. This wine says, “I’m not the hottest girl at the party but I know how to have a good time.” It’s perfect for babes with a sweet tooth.

Rating: 2.25 Wine Glasses

Vanderpump Rosé has a duller finish than your average pink wine and we weren’t mad about it. B & C, however, were not fans of the label. (Its floral-heavy design reminded them of potpourri.) While you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, in this case we suggest Lisa give the bottle a rebrand. Because while LVP clearly knows good wine, the aesthetic doesn’t match the quality of the content.

Rating: 3 Wine Glasses

Fresh Vine Rosé, which advertises itself as low-calorie, low-carb, and low-sugar, tastes like air, in the best way. It’s very subtle and dry but with a bit of an aftertaste. We collectively decided we could drink a lot of this wine — both a blessing and a curse — because it doesn’t taste like there’s any alcohol in it (it is 13.1% ABV, however). This wine is great as a “pre-game” choice, or if you’re hungover at brunch and don’t want to drink a lot but still want to act festive. It’s perfect for someone who wants to drink a bottle of wine and still get up early for yoga the next day.

Rating: 3.25 Wine Glasses

LVE Rosé is giving us Miraval (Angelina & Brad’s wine brand, RIP Brangie) vibes because of the shape of the bottle: it’s a wide, more oval figure. The wine itself is citrusy and acidic, while still maintaining a perfect mix of being not-too-sweet and not-too-dry. We aren’t wine experts, but we suspect this wine wasn’t cooked in a barrel because when it hits your tongue there is a slight carbonated feeling. John, are we right? Slide into my DMs and let me know.

Rating: 3.25 Wine Glasses

Avaline is so clean tasting that it has inspired us to start a cleanse next week. Avaline makes us want to go to pilates in the morning. (We’re not going to, but it makes us want to.) Avaline tastes like it won’t give you a hangover. It’s the perfect wine for LA moms, and your friend who loves to juice.

Rating: 3.5 Wine Glasses

Post Malone sure knows his way around a good bottle of wine, because Maison No. 9 goes down like a Rolls Royce on a smooth highway. It’s light, with no aftertaste, and paired nicely with the cheese plate B made for us. (Particularly with a truffle goat cheese.) This is an every occasion wine; a good gift and a good bottle to have in the wine refrigerator for when guests come over. Who knew Posty would know his rosé?!

Rating: 4 Wine Glasses

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