More surprising news out of Moscow this week, as multiple outlets have now confirmed that Russian president Vladimir Putin has issued sanctions against members of the Kardashian family.

The move has baffled experts and raised new concerns about Putin’s mental state.

Putin earned widespread derision when he sanctioned President Biden and other US politicians last month.

Now, it appears that the famously erratic leader has decided to double down on that strategy in truly bizarre fashion.

According to a statement from Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov, Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Kardashian will no longer be able to conduct business with Russian banks or sell their merchandise within the country’s borders.

At a press conference this week, Lavrov reportedly held up a waist trainer from Kim’s Skims shapewear line and explained that “going forward, Russia will be a Spanx-only nation.”

In a press release from the Kremlin, it was revealed that Kris and Kylie Jenner have also been sanctioned, along with Kourtney’s fiance, Travis Barker.

That last name came as a surprise, as Barker is not yet a member of the Kardashian family.

An insider explained to the Associated Press, however, that Putin is “not a Blink-182 fan” and instead prefers “the heavier sound” of other 1990s punk bands, such as Rancid, NOFX, and Bad Religion.

“The president believes that that pop punk sh-t is for posers,” the informant explained.

Also curious is the fact that Kylie Jenner was sanctioned, but not her older sister Kendall.

This means that Kylie’s line of cosmetics has been banned in Russia, but Kendall’s 818 tequila will still be available in liquor stores.

“Russia’s not really a tequila country, but we need all the booze we can get these days,” the insider explained.

“This might be the first year that we celebrate Cinco de Mayo in Moscow. It’ll be a nice distraction. It’s hard to weep for your nation while you’re wearing a big silly sombrero and sipping from a fish bowl-sized marg!”

The insider added that the decision to favor Kendall over Kylie was also a matter of personal preference for Putin:

“He thinks Kendall is a total baddie,” said the source.

“When Trump was over here, Vlad couldn’t stop talking about how Kendall has the supple limbs of an Olympic gymnast or a member of the Bolshoi Ballet.”

Reached for comment on the Kremlin’s surprising move, Kim appeared unfazed:

“I’m supposed to be scared of this guy just because he’s got nukes?” she laughed.

“Kanye bought the house across the street from me, and he keeps sending death threats to my boyfriend. Putin is pretty low on the list of unhinged narcissists that I need to worry about.”

Kim is not alone in being unconcerned about the sanctions.

“Wtf is this guy’s problem?” Biden tweeted on Thursday in response to the news.

“Now I have to worry about him using chemical weapons in Ukraine and taking Scott Disick’s side just to piss off Kourtney? This guy has messier politics than Caitlyn, and that’s the tea, sis,” the president continued.

Okay, as you may have figured out by now, this is just an April Fools’ joke.

Hey, in 2022 you have to laugh to keep from crying, right?

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