Have you had a “mega-pint” lately?

Or ‘Heard’ about that curious expression?

It was a term coined by Amber Heard’s lawyer, Ben Rottenborn. Yes, really, that’s his name, and he was suggesting that on a particular evening the actor poured himself a glass of wine, but Rottenborn used the phrase “mega-pint,” suggesting that for Depp, a pint somehow contains more than the usual 16 ounces.

This, of course, took place during the trial in Virginia where Johnny Depp is suing Amber Heard for defamation. What a mess it all is, and I do not envy the jury that has to figure this out.

Over the last few weeks, we’ve all had a chance to sit in on the proceedings like a juror ourselves. The trial has been made available online, so people can watch it live.

It’s horrible, and it’s disturbing. But it’s also riveting, and strangely entertaining.

When the two Hollywood personalities broke up in 2016, they released a joint statement, highlighting their ups and downs, but didn’t get into details. The statement seemed to acknowledge certain rumors while also attempting to put them to rest.

It didn’t last, as the world learned about Depp’s alleged abuse towards Heard in her scathing op-ed piece in the Washington Post in 2018. The piece is the main subject of the defamation suit. Since then, we’ve gotten to see both sides calling witnesses, entering texts and playing recordings as evidence.

Each legal team has a fairly obvious strategy. Heard’s team is highlighting the type of drug-and-alcohol abuse that Depp would sometimes become engaged in. Depp’s team paints a similar picture of Heard. We’ve heard testimony from witnesses and watched pre-recorded depositions. We even watched Depp’s doorman, Alejandro Romero, grow tired of answering questions and openly puff from a vape pen during his own deposition. He was recording in his car and at one point started driving off as if to escape this circus.

Which made Depp laugh.

Depp has gotten a few laughs himself out of the folks in court with his wry answers and comments. The laughter stopped, of course, when Heard took the stand. She gave a very dramatic recounting of certain events, giving graphic details and showing a range of emotions.

The entire case hinges on the reputation of Amber Heard. Many people forget this detail. Depp cannot be found guilty of anything in this trial. In an earlier trial in the UK, Depp sued News Group Newspapers Ltd for referring to him as a wife-beater.

He lost that case.

In the current trial in Virginia, two psychologists have testified so far. Both these doctors hold different opinions on the mental state of Amber Heard. One thing they each agree upon is that mutual interpersonal violence has taken place, meaning that both Depp and Heard participated in physically and psychologically assaulting one another. This would not include self-defense in a provoked instance. The psychologists assessed that Heard and Depp were both the instigators of violence against the other.

It’s far too difficult to prove who started it, which person ignited the flame that began this incredibly toxic relationship? They both stayed through it for a good while. Did one abuser create another abuser? That could be debated, but that’s not what the trial is about.

It’s whether or not Amber Heard misrepresented her situation.

I won’t debate or speculate about the degree of domestic violence Heard suffered. It seems clear she did and I don’t wish to do anything that would downplay a victim of assault. But with that, I have to acknowledge that Depp, too, is a victim. While there has been some entertainment to be had in making fun of certain aspects of the trial, debating which one of these human beings is worse is not one I enjoy.

If I were a juror, I would conclude it was an intentional omission, in Heard’s Washington Post piece, to paint Depp as the only abuser in the relationship. There seem to be a great deal of lies coming from Heard. Again, I’ll emphasize, she is getting the hard scrutiny here because she is the one on trial. I am very much inclined to believe Heard is a victim, but she is also a liar.

I think the same of Depp.

I’ve seen a great deal of public response from people that are apparently not following the trial too closely and have surface level attachment to one side or the other. In such cases, it’s about wanting their favorite to win, regardless of the facts.

But there can be no personal victory here. This isn’t a trial that will change the landscape of domestic abuse. It can’t normalize anything, because these people’s lives are anything but normal. They have drivers and personal assistants and body guards. There can be no victory for either side that undoes whatever damage has been damage or can be seen as a victory for other victims of domestic abuse.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard been swallowed by the entertainment industry. They are characters in a story they have been writing themselves. That’s what their lives have become and that’s why this trial, in spite of the real pain at the heart of it, is basically just reality television entertainment for all of us.

Whatever else we take away, after whatever decision is ultimately made by the jury, one takeaway is clear. We are all very lucky not to be Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, and that’s true no matter how many ounces of wine are in a pint, mega or otherwise.

Oliver Graves is a stand-up comic and award-winning writer whose “Oliver’s World” column appears twice a month in the Argus-Courier. You can find more about Oliver at OliverGraves.com and on his Facebook page.