I still remember the day I told Kris we were going to pitch our new show, The Kardashians, to Disney for streaming on Hulu and Disney+. It was genius. Streaming is where unscripted television is thriving right now. The original deal Kris set up with E! back in 2007 was cute, but now I’m around and it’s time to level up. After meetings and negotiations, we inked a multi-year content deal.

‘North, how did the show transform your life?’, people often ask me. Let’s be clear: My life transformed the show. Ratings were in the toilet up until I was born in season eight. That entire season revolved around my arrival. We all know I pulled this family out of the gutter. The family would still be peddling diet pills if I hadn’t stepped in.

The reality show has always been Mummy and her sisters’ thing. My role is more of a producer, who guest-stars on the show now and then as a favour (for a fee, of course). Out of all the projects I’m involved in, the show brings in the least amount of money for me, so it’s not high on my list of priorities.

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The popularity of our show does bring added fame to my life. Note that I use the word ‘added’. You have to remember that I am actually famous. My dad, Kanye West, is the most famous rapper in the world. While the rest of my family are merely reality TV stars, I’m a superstar, an icon, a headliner. If the family was Destiny’s Child, we all know I’d be Beyoncé.

That said, even though I choose to live my life in the public eye, I still manage to find some sense of normalcy. I regularly have my driver take me to Nobu, where I eat in a private room just like any other eight-year-old.

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My appearances on the upcoming reality show are sparse, but fans will get to see me navigate my ‘new normal’ since my parents decided to split last year. Divorce is hard on the whole family, but knowing that we were filming every moment has given me comfort. I’d hate for a good storyline to go to waste.

My siblings (Saint, Chicago and Psalm) and cousins (I won’t bother listing them) will appear on the show without compensation, but the exposure is invaluable. It’ll be particularly interesting to see the Disick kids experience money for the first time thanks to their soon-to-be step-dad, Travis Barker. And everyone will be captivated by Stormi’s journey from being a bubbly only child to becoming a bitter big sister to yet-to-be-named Baby Webster. Spoiler alert: Stormi finds out she has to split the inheritance and has a full meltdown.

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Some fan favourites will make their return to the show. The Malikas are back as Auntie Khloe’s best friends. They work so hard. To double as cast members and my assistants is no small feat. They film with the family, schedule my meetings, walk Sushi, and do it all with a smile. It’s their strong work ethic that makes me keep them in the show.

Something the viewers won’t be seeing in The Kardashians season one is Mr. Skete, aka Pete Davidson. Let it be known that if he was on the show, I would walk. Mummy couldn’t afford to lose me so she agreed to not feature him. She can go to Staten Island and hang out in his one-bedroom apartment all she likes, but she knows better than to bring that behaviour to my place of business. As a compromise, I permitted her to discuss her relationship on camera, but to keep it short.

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The fans will notice we’ve pulled back on Scott Disick and Tristan Thompson in the new show. With Kourtney’s newfound love, there isn’t a need to focus so much on Scott. I’ve elected to leave the ‘Will Scott and Kourtney get back together?’ storyline at E!. You’re welcome.

Tristan will also have limited camera time. I will not subject the fans to another season of his lies. Maybe one day he can get a show of his own with his other kids, but we’re done here as far as I’m concerned.

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Auntie Kendall still refuses to get pregnant and she won’t let us exploit her relationship with Devin Booker for ratings, so I have also cut her camera time.

And speaking of family members that are difficult to work with, I would like to reassure the viewers that while Auntie Kourt and Travis had a mock wedding in Las Vegas, there is still a plan to film a wedding special for the show. Auntie Kourt almost sabotaged us, but luckily, she was unable to get a marriage license in Las Vegas. I threatened to recast her if she ever pulled anything like this again.

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As you can imagine, working on this show with this group of people is extremely challenging. As my enterprise grows, I have become disenchanted with going into business with family members. We’re never all on the same page. Even when I considered collaborating on a candle line with Penelope, I was quickly reminded hard work is a foreign language to her. She never even came to the kick-off meeting.

God bless any of you that choose to watch The Kardashians. I hope we can bring you more secret pregnancies and big weddings. More laughs and more memories. More products to sell you. More soundbites and legendary memes. There might also be a twist or two. Like, will Auntie Kourt and Auntie Khloe finally get invited to this year’s Met Gala?

I doubt it…

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