The Kardashians

We’re Celebrating Sex

Season 1

Episode 4

Editor’s Rating

4 stars

****

Photo: Hulu/

We left off last week with the family en route to Kourtney’s engagement, tasked with the complex dilemma of avoiding running into her on the freeway and ruining the surprise — the solution to which, after much deliberation, was slowing down or stopping for ice cream. It’s a good thing, too, because Kris says if the surprise is ruined, “heads are gonna fly.” That, of course, is famously not a saying, but it just shows how mad she’d be: The heads won’t just roll, they’ll fly.

Luckily nothing of the sort happens on this sacred date, which Kris clarifies is actually marking the anniversary of the first night they ever had sex.

During an afternoon in Santa Monica filled with Kris’s bellow-y martini laughs, they ask if Tristan has any surprises in store (dark foreshadowing), talk about Travis going to Robert Kardashian’s grave to ask for Kourtney’s hand (I guess the hologram was unavailable), and brace themselves for Scott’s reaction. Kim says he shouldn’t be shocked since he knows they’re trying for a baby and that’s a bigger commitment than marriage. “Marriages come and go,” she quips with a hearty cackle. “Take it from me!” One week at SNL, and Kim’s already testing out new stand-up material.

At this pre-celebration hangout, the Barker children make their debut, and while I’ve already given a rundown on Landon, Alabama, and Atiana, this Carl character they’re with is new to me, but he’s apparently a family friend and TikToker. Collectively, the four of them look like they won a contest to be there, and they sort of did considering Kourtney’s kids weren’t invited. Even worse, Carl was invited over Kourtney’s TikToker of choice, Addison Rae — who was snubbed from this engagement party just like the Oscars snubbed her for her role in He’s All That.

We can already tell that Mason, Penelope, and Reign’s absence is going to be a thing, and Kris knows it — which is why she’s so defensive about it when it comes up. Her argument is that they’re too young and they would have to lie to Scott to get them there under false pretenses. And while she’s certainly not wrong, it’s clear that this would be a lose-lose decision no matter what.

The proposal itself is shot from afar sans audio, following the precedent set by Kimye’s baseball-stadium proposal, but Kourtney later tells us she feels like she’s living in a fairytale — based on aesthetics, I assume the fairytale is Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride. The newly engaged couple walks into their surprise party, and Kourtney is so surprised that she smiles, which is a huge reaction from her.

But Kris has enough emotion for the both of them, completely breaking down and hugging Kourtney in a death grip that lasts for 34 full seconds. She also says that nothing is more special than your firstborn getting engaged, setting up future Mark Twain Prize honoree Kim Kardashian for a punchline: “She’s never had a reaction like that for me, and it’s happened, like, a few times.” You can tell Kim’s happy that Kourtney’s marrying a drummer because now she’ll have someone to go, “ba dum tss,” on the drums every time she drops these one-liners.

Kourtney goes to call her kids to tell them the news, which goes poorly. She’s already missed calls from Penelope, who starts sobbing on FaceTime at the news before hanging up on Kourtney. Things with Reign go smoother, perhaps in part because he doesn’t know what an engagement is and, when told, deems it “Not exciting!” (Echoing Kim’s famous “least exciting to look at” comment). Mason doesn’t answer his phone, and we don’t hear much about his reaction beyond that, which I doubt is a good sign.

Through tears in a confessional, Kourtney says about her kids’ absence: “I know that my mom made that decision, and it probably wasn’t her best.” And on top of this fallout, the sisters also discuss the anticipated reaction from Scott and how that’s tied to the kids’ reactions. But before the conversation goes too far, Kim rightfully jumps in to squash it so they can celebrate the night.

In an act of love that usurps the beach full of roses, massive engagement ring, and gathering of loved ones — Kourtney’s sisters had a glam squad waiting for her because they knew she wouldn’t be in glam when she arrived. A gesture that Travis simply can’t compete with.

Our contest winners (Travis’s children) are asked to say some words, but only Landon’s makes the cut. Which, after his arm-wrestling match with Kendall, is really cementing him as the new star on the scene. Sidebar about this arm-wrestling contest: Kendall, who once claimed blood tests deem her “over the normal limit of athletic-ness,” now fancies herself an arm-wrestling champion. Her secret? “It’s that I’m quick with it. They’re like, one, two, three, go! And on go, I’m, you know, that’s my strategy.” They tie.

After all of the festivities, Kim and Khloé go for a hike, and it’s somewhat jarring to see them exercise out in public when we’re so used to that weird tennis court full of parked toy cars at Kourtney’s house (although I’m certain that hill was actually closed to the public). We get some history in this scene since this was the location of Kanye’s “Only One” music video, which means it’s the location of an even more important cultural touchstone: the meme of Kim peeking out from behind a bush — which she happily recreates for us.

Speaking of Kanye, we find out that SNL was the powder keg that set off his most recent destructive tirade. Though we saw him smiling at the hotel just hours earlier, we find out he stormed out of the show mid-monologue NOT because Kim said she divorced him for his personality, but because she said “divorced” instead of “filed for divorce.” And because she dared to call him a rapper when he considers himself to be much more. And he’s right; he’s also an asshole.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back for Kim, and everything about the way she addresses Kanye totally shifts at this moment. After standing by him throughout all of the wild things that he’s said and done, this incident clearly demonstrates that the favor isn’t returned — so Kim is done playing that game.

While that relationship crumbles, Khloé’s is going in the opposite direction, unfortunately. She and Tristan are back together, and she talks about the effort he’s putting in and blah blah blah — it’s all just so demoralizing to watch play out since we know how it ends. At this point in the show’s timeline Maralee Nichols is already pregnant with Tristan’s third child, so as viewers, we’re being strapped in for an amusement park ride that we already know is about to malfunction.

But speaking of exes, Khloé, the family’s designated Scott ambassador, pays him a visit bearing the customary gift basket — presumably from Harry & David’s “Sorry Your Ex Is Engaged” collection. The conversation is one we’ve essentially heard a thousand times, about Scott’s fear of being iced out of the family and not included in the group — and by family, he perhaps means TV show. He tries to do his best impression of an unbothered person while still slipping in some snarky jabs at Kourtney and grievances disguised as concerns.

On the drive home, Khloé pulls over in the middle of the road — barely on the shoulder — to debrief with Kourtney and encourage her to meet with Scott to end this cold war in which they keep volleying accountability back and forth.

Just days after the big engagement, Kourtney and Travis travel via tour bus for Kourtney’s egg retrieval while dressed as matching Phoebe Bridgerses in skeleton-bone sweatsuits. All in all, Kourtney’s follicles aren’t looking too great, but good news comes when the doctor sees one that he has high hopes for. What comes next is haunting, and I’m shocked that the FCC didn’t come up with a brand new custom viewer discretion warning just for this episode. “When we do his sample, am I allowed to be with him?” Kourtney asks the doctor.

The idea that Kourtney’s sisters ever gave her any flack for not showing enough on camera is laughable at this point. Because now here she is asking her doctors about the intricacies of how she and Travis can go about collecting his sperm sample in the exam room. Luckily, she does order cameras out of the room for the event itself (after the doctor closes the blinds), and they remove their mics so that they don’t capture any audio — though I highly doubt that any sound could be more horrifyingly graphic than her repeatedly asking the doctor if there can be any spit in the sample cup.