The Kardashians

Where I’ve Been and Where I Wanna Go

Season 1

Episode 7

Editor’s Rating

5 stars

*****

Photo: HULU

It’s already been established that breaking the fourth wall is a key ingredient to The Kardashians — so much so that the intro actually features a glass wall shattering. But in this episode, they take it to new heights by showing Kim and Kendall at a Hulu promo shoot filming that very intro of them breaking the fourth wall. At this point, we’re running out of walls to break, but if they need ideas, I’d love for them to bring cameras along to Hulu HQ when they negotiate their next contract.

While Kendall either reads (or pretends) to read “It Ends With Us” by Colleen Hoover in her trailer, Kim tells Kris about her new deal to do a Balenciaga campaign, making the relationship that we’ve seen all season with the brand official. And since she’s now well on her way to becoming Kim Kardashian, Esquire, she’ll be handling her own contract for the first time. Her hairstylist Mario chimes in to ensure Kris still gets her ten percent, putting him in her good graces for life.

But that glamorous life can still leave you wanting more. Take Kylie and Kris, for example, driving around in black leather trench coats in her Mercedes Benz G-Wagon, pining for a simpler life in which they can go to iHOP, pump gas, and go grocery shopping. So much so that the pair treat themselves to a fun little afternoon cosplaying as normal people, starting with a trip to the supermarket. It’s absolutely thrilling to see the childlike glee on Kris Jenner’s face upon learning about the existence of frozen sweet potato tater tots.

After Kris tries to pump gas with the car running, they decide to continue their adventure with a trip through the car wash. “We have to bring the kids here,” Kris says about the car wash (which Kylie describes as a tourist attraction) as if children who were driven to school in a fire truck last week would be enamored with a Jiffy Lube.

That’s enough relatability for one episode, though. Next up on Kravis’s fertility journey is a Panchakarma cleanse, which Kourtney tells us will get all of the toxins out of her body and result in better eggs. Her ayurvedic expert Martha comes in to inspect Kourtney’s tongue and tell them that they’re not allowed to have sex (parades will be thrown in Martha’s honor someday). Now, while I, of course, want them to successfully conceive as soon as possible, I do wonder how many failed attempts it would take for them to bring Marianne Williamson in to consult. What is the chain of succession on unconventional spiritual fertility methods?

When Martha asks about her thyroid levels, Kourtney says that a doctor told her to drink Travis’s semen four times a week to help. Now, I’m not an endocrinologist … but by the sound of it, neither is this supposed “doctor,” who I suspect is just Travis Barker in a false mustache and stethoscope. Surely there has to be a better way to get Kourtney’s thyroid levels in check.

After a five-day pre-cleanse with no caffeine, alcohol, sex, working out, or sugar, the real cleanse begins: seven days of going to Martha’s spa for four hours a day for treatments. When she made Kourtney clap her hand to her foot, I was suspicious. And by the time she was steaming her vagina, I was convinced that this was simply an elaborate prank orchestrated by Martha for her own amusement.

Meanwhile, Kim tries to figure out what the next era of her fashion evolution will look like sans Kanye, so she takes a trip to her fashion archive — a warehouse containing over 30,000 pieces that she’s worn over the years. This collection should be touring the nation, or at the very least the purse that she hit Khloé with should be put in the Smithsonian. She also shows off an eerie photographic memory for clothes, getting quizzed on random events and being able to recall exactly what she wore down to the eye shadow.

While Kim shoots her Balenciaga campaign in her home, Kris tells her that Kendall shot a cover try for the March issue of Vogue but that they opted to nix her and instead offer the cover to Kim. It’s bittersweet since she feels for Kendall, but when production asks her what her reaction would have been like back in the day, a self-aware Kim says, “I probably would have murdered Kendall myself to get the cover.” Had this storyline played out during the hungry early days of Keeping Up, ratings would have surpassed the MASH finale; it would have been out of this world television.

Kris sits down to deliver the bad news to Kendall in her brand new office (filled with plenty of books for Kendall to pretend to read), but before she can break the news, Kendall says that her agent Chris already told her. All I know is that this Chris character is my archnemesis because he went out of his way to deprive me of seeing Kendall Jenner be told ON CAMERA that her American Vogue cover was rescinded and given to her sister. Instead, he gave her a fair warning off-cam, giving her time to take acting classes so she could convincingly pretend that she’s totally chill and cool with it.

Looking ahead to season two, and now that Kendall lost this Vogue storyline, Kris tries to convince her to have a baby — something Kendall is having none of. Nonetheless, Kris casually gives their OB/GYN, Dr. A, a ring to pick her brain, further proving that the Kardashians keep every fertility doctor within 50 miles of Calabasas in business.

Next door, Khloé’s house is finally finished, and she moves in in the dead of night for some reason. The whole family is in pajamas as they tour the brand new home, and the scene is seemingly shot by either a bare-bones skeleton crew or on an assistant’s iPhone. Apparently, Khloé was too excited to wait for a full production crew to come during daylight hours and just had to see the place the second she could. We see the pantry full of her classic clear cookie jars and her sprawling, luxurious rooms, but what stands out the most is the body pillow in True’s playroom with a life-size photo of Khloé printed on it.

After Kim’s Vogue shoot, perplexingly described to her as a “retro-future aesthetic,” and during which Anna Wintour FaceTimed in while apparently walking down the street, the family gets together for dinner at Kim’s house. Kourtney and Travis fill everyone in on their cleanse, scarring Kris Jenner by mentioning that their no-sex rule includes foot stuff.

Meanwhile, Kim gets word that Kanye has a new song coming out — so she’s bracing herself to be publicly trashed and dragged through the mud. For her part, though, she’s intent on taking the high road rather than stooping to his level, which is smart even though I’d love to hear her release a diss track. But she’s done protecting him and putting up with how he’s been treating her or “how he’s always treated you guys” — alluding that Kanye’s always been horrible to her family, something that we never previously saw play out.

While they’re on the subject of problematic exes, Kourtney tells Khloé that she spoke with Scott after he outright asked if he would no longer be invited to anything — and I wonder if that was as much of a concern before cameras went up. Anyway, it’s taken seven episodes, but Kourtney finally said that they should have a conversation to get out of this strange place, so it’ll probably only be a season and a half more until that conversation actually happens. For a family that talks so much about always amicably splitting and blending, you would think they’d be much better at it.